So, I'm on my own again. Not exactly, but it feels like that when Doyler is more than a city away. Our older brother has called him back to London, something to do a shit storm he found himself in the centre of when he went off touring with Charlie and her dumb-fuck boyfriend. He may only be gone a few days, maybe the rest of the week, either way it's left me bored and alone.

The boy James appears to be defrosting, maybe he's forgiven me for running out on him and leaving him with Laura for a couple of months. I've not asked him if her appetite stretched to running her hands over his body yet? Not sure I want to know given the circumstances. The idea of the object of my lust and her may drive me out one more time. I don't know what the difference between me fucking her and him fucking her really is, I've never seen him with a hard-on with anyone other than me so maybe he couldn't manage it. Maybe he's just into cock. Fuck! So am I and I still manage to get it hard enough to slip her when I have to. Just because I can doesn't mean I should right? I dunno.

Edie has been gone for a couple of days too, some gig in some armpit working mans club in the Borders where the laughter comes out of fear of discovery. So until she gets back I either have no one to talk to or no one who will talk to me. I must be real charming fucker huh?

oh...

Found this the other day and wanted to include it beacause a) it's funny and b) it's true, but I knew Doyler would veto it so I'm doing it while he's away. If it alienates anyone who reads this piece of shit of blog then fuck you, I don't want you here anyway.

This is the last of the post from the old blog that I'm just gonna copy and paste over here, I'll start fresh next time or else Doyler'll kick my arse. I'm back at the hostel now so we'll leave what happened inbetween for a more approriate time, we'll get there...

When I cracked open my eyes this afternoon it was quarter past 5. The half winter light trying to break from behind the curtains. Laura had already climbed over me in my sleep, her coat was still on the floor by the door so she was around somewhere. The boy James still asleep on the cot. I seemed to have slept through the worst of the hangover, just the dry taste of vomit in my mouth and the dull thud behind my eyes remained.

I hauled on a pair of jeans, leaving my t-shirt on the floor and trudged out of the red room and into the hall. Edie sitting on the wooden chair by the balcony still in her dressing gown, blowing smoke out of the window. The two of us have an understanding. We don't talk until later, until the two of us are capable of speech. I sat at the table across from her, grabbed her packet of Richmond and helped myself to a cigarette. She passed me a half smile and a wink, i responded likewise. After a moment she threw her cigarette butt out of the window and pushed what was left in the packet across the table to me before walking back into her room.

And this is how most days start.

Laura padded back from through the front door, a blue towel wrapped around her, leaving little puddles behind her. As quickly as passed by me and into the red room James stepped out, nodded his head to me, grunted and headed downstairs to the shower block.

I weighed up the options as I finished the cigarette. I could've gone back into my room, fucked Laura and guaranteed my rent paid for the next week or I could've headed down the stairs and jerked off with James in the showers. Truth is I couldn't've done either. When hungover I'm soft for the long haul. So I just sat and chained another of Edies smokes.

Then the memories from last night started to kick in bit by bit. Tequila and speed at Doylers before I headed over to Haymarket and let the Austrian boy blow me for a eighth of his Morrocan... The next thing I remember is sitting on the curb at the top of Leith Walk. All the gay guys and their hags trying to squeeze into Habbana and CC Blooms. Both are dives but Edinburgh falls a little short on the gay scene. The Emo kid! Shit! This cute as fuck dark haired lad in skinny black jeans and a too small Akira T-shirt that flashed his tight little stomache when he raised his arms. I gave him a couple of joints worth of the Morrocan and he gave me his number but it's not in my jeans anymore. I must've turfed it out somewhere absent mindedly. I just about remember hooking up with Mark and Warren, sharing a cab back to theirs and watching a porno while we smoked the rest of the hash and drank Jack Daniels. They started getting into it and began fucking on the couch next to me. I watched them for a while before I realised it was getting light outside and headed back to hostel.

I don't remember how I got back, or what time. Laura was asleep and James was sitting reading. I think we talked for a while. Maybe not, we don't really have that much to say to each other. Crawling into bed, I let Laura cuddle up into me as the Poles in the Yellow room began moving about.

Again, like the last, this was put up on my old blog first, but I'm posting it here again, just for those who missed it first time around , that and it gives me a couple of weeks to catch up on shit here. Anyway, Doyler made me take this stupid Personality Test because he thought it might help people understand me a bit better. Fuck people, right? Anyway it was 126 questions long so I'll leave the jist.

A few examples :

9) My main motivation is to express my individuality.

What kind of question is that? Individuality? Like the fucking Emo boys and Goth kids or the Chavs? I wear what I wear, I'm not trying express anything. I don't push the gay agenda on anyone or swish around like some limp wristed queeny boy. Are all these people trying to express their individuality or following some fucking set pattern put out by their own social groups in some unwritten code? What do I know?

11) I come from a wealthy family.

It's a question that's got fuck all to do with fuck, right?

13) I am supernatural.

Wank!

24) My thoughtfulness and charitable nature are my foundation

Who am I? The Dali Lama? I'll leave that Buddhist shit to Doyler.

29) I would not go on a date with someone that I did not find physically attractive

And the point in that would be? Who would?

35) I am uncomfortable being subject to the authority or control of someone.

What? Yeah, who the hell isn't? Tell me who does feel comfortable being subject to the authority or control of someone. There's a reason I don't work and that's because I've never met someone with power that I've liked. So I make do on what my older brother Carter squirrels away out of the trust funds our mother left us. I'd rather that.

44) I am prone to skin problems (acne, pimples, etc.).

What the fuck has that got to do with anything? For the record I've got great skin.

50) I think the dangers of drinking and smoking are exaggerated.

Well, no fucking shit!

52) I like the band The Pixies.

Love Them. Top five bands of all time, The Pixies are floating around there. But what does that have to do with anything?

61) I am mystical.

What like I believe in Unicorns or fanny around with half wits who read Tarot cards or follow their star signs? Who's got time for that shit?

69) Being ignored is intolerable.

Too Fucking right it is!

73) I am somewhat into myself.

No Shit!

89) I am very impressive.

Damn right!

99) I am sexually attracted to members of my own gender

I've never met a guy who isn't.

110) I think an asteroid may someday destroy civilization

Another "What the fuck!" question.

So after answering 126 of these questions I get my results:

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion 60% Stability 46% Orderliness 36% Accommodation 23% Interdependence 43% Intellectual 50% Mystical 16% Artistic 63% Religious 10% Hedonism 83% Materialism 83% Narcissism 63% Adventurousness 70% Work ethic 16% Self absorbed 76% Conflict seeking 76% Need to dominate 70% Romantic 30% Avoidant 70% Anti-authority 63% Wealth 63% Dependency 36% Change averse 43% Cautiousness 30% Individuality 56% Sexuality 90% Peter pan complex 76% Physical security 76% Physical Fitness 77% Histrionic 83% Paranoia 56% Vanity 76% Hypersensitivity 36% Indie 66%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

and all of this apparently means:

Stability results were medium which suggests you are moderately relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.

Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

or basically i'm:

messy, outgoing, open, self revealing, ambivalent about chaos, unpredictable, not good at saving money, social, likes large parties, likes to stand out, risk taker, quick to make friends, does not like to be alone, rash, sarcastic, craves attention, social chameleon, low self control, food lover, not rule conscious, weird, assertive, not a perfectionist, anti-authority, thrill seeker, vain, likes to fit in, reckless, emotionally insensitive, leisurely

Now, most of this I could've told you in a few lines, but mainly I wanted you to see the shit Doyler makes me do to keep himself amused. Truth is I agree with most of it and these are traits that run in the family, which explains why the only one I have any real contact with is my twin brother. That and the fact that we've got too much shit on each other to try and pretend otherwise.

So here I am, but not really, while others have found time to swan around the globe sucking every cock that winks I've been trying to pull all my shit back together from New Years fallout, still am, so for now this has been elsewhere before...

The room i share is over crowded. Too many heartbeats for the small space. There's only three of us, Me, Laura and the boy James. But in the confines of a 12x15 ft red painted bedroom it's too much to bare. The bed I share with Laura is a small double and my feet stick out over the end while it fits her shorter frame perfectly. Across from us James sleeps in a fold out cot that during the day doubles for a couch. Her clothes litter the floor while his sit in folded piles by the window, mine are kept in a holdall under the bed.

There's a dirty full length mirror that sits on the sanded down floor by the door. Lipstick smears from Laura and splashes of cum from where James jerks off for me when she goes out at night.

The only time we're all in there together is early morning to afternoon when we sleep. Her breath on the back of my neck and my eyes fixed on the boy sleeping naked beneath his cotton sheet across from me. Sometimes his are fixed too, mostly he sleeps. It's then that I trace the lines and bumps he creates. The sheet, commonly down below his waist exposing a small amount of dark pubic hair, His chest exposed, slim and muscular, cut, like cut glass or chiseled into marble. The definition of his pecs and his small dark nipples rising from milky coffee coloured skin. He has scars below them and across his stomach. Thin white ridges from when he would cut himself, never deep enough to do any real damage just enough to serve as a reminder to why he left school at sixteen, to why he was kicked out of his home and to why a year later he now stays with us in this halfway hostel near Leith.

Across the hall in the green painted room is Edie. A forty something drag queen who can be seen touring the Scottish cabaret circuit telling jokes about under-age sex and miming to Judy Garland numbers. She's past her prime, has never been as successful as she was in the eighties but never successful enough to pull herself out of the shit heap we share. She's been living here for two years, flirting her way around the fat Greek who runs the place when she can't make rent. I think I love her more than I have allowed myself to love anyone in the longest time. A platonic love. We'll sit in the hall or on the balcony that hangs three floors up above the pavement and drink cheap whisky, telling each other tall tales and swapping dirty jokes or listening to her radio.

The yellow painted room opposite hers is the largest of the three and has 5 sets of bunk beds in it. It's occupants change, sometimes it's Australian or Canadian backpackers, sometimes a group of guys in town for a stag night and couldn't afford anywhere else, now it's only three Polish labourers trying to get their work visas sorted and a guy called Mike whose wife threw him out of their house after finding out he was cheating on her.

The bathroom is in the basement of the building, a key kept by Edie opens a black metal gate on the ground floor where you descend to two rooms. A shower block with three stalls and toilet with two cubicles. Everything down here is painted brown and although you can always count on hot water, the rooms themselves have no heating and once you step out from the hot spray you're greeted by ice.